I cannot write, today, with my normal unique wording that I normally do. I am feeling down, tired, and a little under the weather. It happens, but I am a little compelled to write. When my mind clears up, I will write about my observations of Dublin and Paris.
Every May, I tend to get depressed. I have yet to find a consistent reason for it. It is unexplainable to me. Usually, I am anxious but every May I get hampered. I find no artistic beauty in it. It gives me no insight. It does not make me special. It just happens.
The first week it comes on fairly strong and then dissipates. Then I feel energetic for about two weeks. That energetic feeling falls away, and then I get stuck in an odd malaise.
It is more of a burden… but it is also a curiosity. I have no clue what starts this weary languid feeling and I definitely do not know why it stops for a few weeks. It is really weird. I hate it.
However, I expect it. I can cope with it knowing it will come. If it doesn’t, then all the better.
Lesson- Life happens beyond your control, even your crazy body.
Lesson – If something happens over and over be prepared. If you cannot at least acknowledge it.
I have been working at the same job for over fifteen years. It is retail. Coming home from a long trip makes me realize that the job makes me anxious. I would find it boring if it did not make me really anxious. Everyday is an adventure!
I do pretty much the same thing everyday. I should be good at the job but my head gets numb. It is an odd feeling. I am sure everyone has that feeling, at least once- but I get it regularly at work.
It is odd for me to work there—right? Though, I know why I work there! I have been indecisive. The reason I work where I work is because I have a streak of indecisiveness. My parents bought a store and I work for them. They would hardly be mad if I left.
Lesson- Indecisiveness needs to be overcome.
K has ignored me forever. She has every right to do so. I am in a rut and she is a bit of a free spirit. She likes when things change all the time. Or at least she did. Perhaps after seeing the world she has settled down.
It hurts being ignored, and it hurts when you cannot be mad at someone for ignoring you. I can’t be mad at K. She hates heavy conversations. She has reasons to ignore me. She has every right to do so.
Rationally, it makes sense. I hate it. I have very few vulnerabilities by being anxious and getting depressed every May. I have my faults, but I am pretty strong against most things. Being ignored is not something I am strong against.
Having anxiety makes it worse. Getting depressed makes it worse. Guilt is bad and remorse is a little better. At least that is what Spinoza wrote.
So, I feel guilty and worried. I tried too hard and never let it drop. It is really dumb and silly. Not funny- it is silly like a bad pun. Whatever doesn’t kill you… makes you re-examine it over in you head over and over again.
K is alright. She always looked at me different than other people. I am not sure why. She did —but she went touring and worked with big acts. She had a reason to leave. She found her happiness. It was best for her.
Despite being so unencumbered by the desire of routines, she found balance on the road. I would have drowned in annoyance and boredom – stuck with a band crew and a band on the road. There is always an unexpected challenge or problem. The schedule is hard. I think she thought I looked down on her job, but I just didn’t want her to go away.
So yeah, I like her. I am not sure why she looked at me differently. Perhaps it is just an unexplainable reaction?
It is hard to forget when you are doing the same thing over and over again.
Lesson- Guilt is bad and remorse is a little better.
Lesson – It is hard to be mad as someone for who they are.
Lesson- Forgetfulness is good! If you cannot forget break the repetition!
People are really hard on the new season of Game of Thrones. It leaves a deep dissatisfaction with the viewers. Every episode is upsetting one set of viewers.
I think tying a series up is driving people up the walls. One of the show allure is its unpredictable nature. This sends peoples brains into an imaginative flurry. It is, basically, making people create their own story in their head.
I think that is amazing. However, that creates a huge problem. People have created a personal story for their series, with their own imagination, and the show cannot live up to that.
The show has to end. It is a show; and shows have rules. Game of Thrones has the same rules as any TV show- it is way better at hiding them for a long time. It does have rules and the writers are compelled to follow them. If they don’t then it will unthread all the work the have done. Endings reveal the rules.
Essentially, endings are going to always disappoint in TV shows. There are always going to be something impossible about ending a TV show.
Lesson- Do not expect too much from something that cannot give you more than it is.
Lesson- Appreciate things for what they are and not what they are not.
Lesson for writers- Be careful on being to unpredictable, a plot should hold up despite knowing what happens.
We should learn to laugh. I am not saying that we should make everything a joke. That is an axiom that never makes any sense. Making everything a joke puts too much distance between the world and its people. No, I am saying we should learn to laugh all the time. We should cry more too. Armored soliders in the Middle Ages cried with little cause, that is when they were not fighting. We should laugh like the Greeks and cry like the Knights.