grind

Working is a drag on life. I doubt that is a revelation to anyone out there in the wide world, let alone anything surprising. It should be no surprise that I am in the grind of retail. I have a bit of anxiety, which is a bit of an understatement. That is without any true concern. The job is a grind. It wears on me for eight hours to nine weekly. I do not hate people in the least bit but it is tiring and trying to be there helping waves of people.

It was recently Christmas, so people said, “Merry Christmas” with a strange glee but also a cutting jab at my “Thank you, Have a great day.” It was worse this year because for some reason people have been really keyed up on their weird politics. What I mean is that they made comments about that. I, honestly, say the same thing almost three hundred days about forty to seventy times a day. I say the same thing because I can barely get through the script. I am terrible at my job, I know it, but I get through.

The only reason I mention this is because there is a normative behavior that is inherent in any interaction. This weird hyper emphasis on, “Merry Christmas” breaks the rules. This is not the only broken conversations that I have but is a good example of it. It is not courteously that they are saying; it is merely an expression of this weird and quite frankly strange politics. I grant them that they do not realize that I am holding back either and anxiety attack or a stress outburst. This just is outside of the typical realm of a conversation that two strangers should have. It did not bother me; it just makes an obvious point. It is a bit weird. It is not that they jolly and wishing the world good tidings on the holidays (which there are two for them  – Christmas and New Years.) It is that they are making a point. Unsurprisingly, I do not care far beyond the example.

Plenty of friendly faces come in. That is good but I bet I come off odd, because I am not very good at my job. The reason is the speed and repetition. I type quite a bit and work on a slow computer and well… who cares. The thing I worry about is completing at least a thousand tasks before the day is up. There are more than enough rude people. That is hardly surprising. It is retail and if I told you my job you would understand. Then there the problem people with no clear solution, they are often from a myriad of backgrounds. There is really nothing that can be done to help them. That has to be handled with tools I do not have. It is usually best not to help them too much, for if you do it is just annoying for the both of you. You seem rude, but most likely you saved them trouble. Then there are the gun people. Talk about weird politics. I do not even want to go there, it is too close to revealing my job. Let me say they are the strangest angriest people you will meet.

The worst part is that my mind cannot wander about; it is constrained to minimal task over and over again, never pushing past the original thought. My numb head and the heartburn aggravates the situation leaving parts and suspended signs of the flow of thoughts. The imagination stagnates and the daily affected expenditures cripple my emotional awareness. I am tired and fully and fundamentally bored.

I wrote this a sign but also a starting point. I suspect I will write soon but the will preface any upcoming thoughts because I plan not to retread too much. Memory is long but squishy.